There is a Chinese proverb:Once, when a seabird landed outside the capital, the Marquis of Lu escorted it to his ancestral temple, had the music of the Ninefold Splendors performed, poured out a cup of old wine, and spread before it a feast of beef and pork. But the bird became dazed, and it pined away, refusing to taste meat or wine. In three days it was dead.This was treating the bird as the marquis would have liked to be treated, not as the bird would have liked to be treated. Had he done so, he would have let it roost in the deep forests, play among the islands, swim in the rivers and lakes, feed on mudfish and minnows, fly with the rest of the flock, and live any way it chose to. (Translation by Stephen Mitchell)
We have all been taught the "Golden Rule," that we should do unto others as we would have done unto us. This is a valuable basic teaching when we are immature, but by adulthood we should get past it. By trying to treat others as we would be treated, we are not actually being mindful of them or their wishes. The problem is that it works well a lot of the time, because many of the basics are generally true - we do want to be listened to, to be accepted, to be treated with respect. But the devil is always in the details, and these are rarely the same for two people.
For example, I was in a relationship with a woman who liked to be left alone when she was ill. So when I got sick, she would leave me alone all day. The problem is, I really like to be babied when I'm sick. So when she got sick, I would make a fuss over her and try to take as much care of her as I could. Needless to say, we both always felt unappreciated, no matter which role we were playing. I was treating her as I would like to be treated, and was annoyed that she didn't appreciate it, while she was annoyed that I wasn't leaving her alone. When I was sick, I felt abandoned and neglected because she was treating me as kindly as she could (from her assumption that she should treat me how she would like to be treated). We were both being so kind to each other and couldn't see how following the golden rule just made us golden fools.
Needless to say, the relationship ended badly.
Recall that the Buddha is said to have taught many different teachings to different groups, based on their level of spiritual development. It is likely that Jesus did too. His teaching that we should do to others what we would like done to us (Matthew 7:12) seems to be an entry-level teaching - it's a great place to start. But it sets us on a path where our assumptions and past knowledge dictate our behaviors, rather than being open to the unfolding new situation with a person who isn't you.
