Our Endless Cycle of Hope and Fear - The Second Noble Truth

In the last post, we discussed how we tend to have a pervasive feeling that things are unsatisfactory, stressful, or just not quite enough, and that even getting what we want often ironically increases this feeling.  Why do we have this feeling (dukkha)?

The Dhammacakkappavattana Sutta states that the origin of stress and suffering is "craving."  The Pali word used here is tanha, which can be also defined as a demanding desire or thirst.  This is distinct from chanda, a desire to do, which can be beneficial.  This statement that craving/thirst/desire is the root of suffering is known in Buddhism as the Second Noble Truth.

This seems to make intuitive sense.  If we truly don't worry about something, it doesn't cause much suffering.  But what does craving mean?  The Buddha said there are three types of craving.

1. Craving for sense pleasures
• Have you noticed how easily you can become bored with something, even something you really like?  Each of our six senses (sight, smell, touch, taste, hearing, and thinking) seems to like novelty.  We are attracted to things we haven't seen before, or are different from what is currently happening.
• Consider the sense of anxiety that many of us have that makes us check our email or text messages constantly, needing something new to see, hear, etc.
• The funny thing about this is that we believe that by following this desire for the next sense pleasure we will attain happiness, but it never works for long and the pattern never ends (this is one defining characteristic of samsara, the wheel of suffering).  But if you aren't grateful for and content with what you already have, what makes you think that having more will somehow change that?
2. Craving for existence - craving to be
• We have a desire to be stable, solid, permanent, and ongoing - we want to feel like we matter
• We want to believe that we have a past and a future
• We have a desire to compete, prevail, and ultimately dominate
3. Craving for non-existence
• We often spend a lot of time wishing (craving) for bad feelings, annoying people, and difficult situations to go away
• We want to be separate from painful experiences
• We don't want to experience the world in all of its rawness

Summing these up, it seems to me that we basically get stuck in an endless cycle of hope and fear.

One way of considering this cycle of hope and fear is the idea of the Eight Worldly Concerns, also called the Eight Worldly Dharmas or Eight Worldy Winds (Yes, Buddhists LOVE to make numbered lists of things!).  The idea is that we are constantly engaged in seeking something and avoiding something in this group of four pairs:

• Pleasure or pain
  
• Loss or gain
• Disgrace or fame
• Praise or blame

We clearly prefer one of these and not the other on our treadmill of hope and fear, constantly running from one of each pair and toward the other.  The problem is that no matter which of these 8 concerns arises, it is temporary and usually not particularly important in the course of our lives, so why do we make such a big deal to ourselves about them?  (To read what Buddha said about these and the difference between ordinary and enlightened approaches to them, read the Lokavipatti Sutta.)

But this is only part of the issue.  Although it is fairly easy to notice in ourselves how most of our planning and rumination about what just happened to us is linked to one of these eight concerns, these only focus on our personal motivations:  What we believe is happening to ME.  But we are actually concerned about far more than ourselves.  We care about what happens to others.  We care about what happens to our things.  We care about what happens to the planet.  We are not solely focused on these 8 worldly concerns - these are an outgrowth of a more basic human tendency called the Three Poisons (I told you Buddhists love lists).

The Three Poisons are how we almost automatically and immediately have one of three possible reactions to any and everything that arises in our experience - we are either attracted to it, repelled by it, or don't care about it.  This is true about people, situations, our sensations, and even our own feelings and thoughts.  In the Titthiya Sutta, Buddha describes the reasons why these occur.  The three are translated into different English words by different translators, so I have given a couple below to give a more complete sense of their flavor.

The Three Poisons

1. Attachment or passion
• Buddha notes that the cause of attachment/passion is the "theme of the attractive," and that it "carries little blame and is slow to fade."  That is, when we are attracted to something or someone, when we want it, we see only its good qualities.  We become unbalanced. The object of our passion carries little blame - we can't see the bad qualities.  We also believe ourselves to be be blameless in the pursuit of our beloved object, believing that the ends of getting our goal justify our means.  Because it is slow to fade, we will work very hard to achieve our goal of getting what we want.
2. Aversion or aggression
   
• Buddha notes that the cause of aversion/aggression is the "theme of irritation," and that it "carries great blame and is quick to fade."  That is, when we get irritated or annoyed by something or someone, we see only the bad qualities.  We again become unbalanced.  The person we are annoyed with carries great blame - we only see the bad qualities and the damage that they allegedly did.  We do not see how we were part of the problem, and we strike out in anger or frustration.  Once we have decided that the other is to blame, or once we have retaliated, we often feel somewhat satisfied, and the aggression fades until it is prompted again.
3. Ignorance or delusion
• Buddha notes that the cause of ignorance/delusion is "inappropriate attention," and that it "carries great blame and is slow to fade."  That is, when we think something is uninteresting, boring, or we honestly just don't know or care about it, it is because we really haven't yet tried to understand it.  The Greek roots of "ignorance" mean very literally "to not know."  We ignore the people and objects that don't seem immediately important to us, which can cause us to fail to act appropriately to get the most benefit out of the situation.  We ourselves are solely to blame for not paying sufficient attention, and we are slow to realize that we should take more care.

It is a good exercise when meditating to notice that almost every arising thought and feeling has one of the three poisons attached to it.  When planning something, we're grasping after trying to control something in the future - we are attached to the idea of trying to achieve some outcome.  When remembering some annoyance, we bring up feelings of aggression or we think about how we can work to avoid the person/situation in the future, or what unkind thing we "should" have said.  When we think of something that we don't really have a feeling about, we could approach it with a feeling of curiosity to try to understand it better, but we usually don't.  We even attach these feelings to our emotions, trying to avoid emotions we dislike and seek ones we like better.

Ultimately, in the Buddhist perspective, this grasping after certain outcomes, wishing to avoid others, and ignoring other possibilities is what causes our suffering and stress.  This is good news.  Knowing why we feel such discomfort in our own lives gives us something to work with to reduce it.  And we can reduce it - we can break out of this endless cycle of hope and fear (knowing this is the Third Noble Truth, which we'll discuss next).

Getting What You Want Isn't What You Want - The First Noble Truth

Gautama Buddha, the historical Buddha, lived between about 563 and 483 BC in India on the border of present-day Nepal. He was a son of the King Sudhodana, ruler of  the tribe called the Sakyas (from where Buddha derived the title Sakyamuni, meaning "Sage of the Sakyas"). The young prince also received the name of Siddhartha. He maintained a privileged life behind the palace walls until one day he decided to visit the nearby town. The king called for everything to be swept and decorated, and any disturbing, unpleasant, or sad sight to be removed. But while Gautama was travelling through the streets, an old wrinkled man appeared before him. In astonishment the young prince learned that decrepitude is the fate of those who live long enough. Later he saw someone seriously ill, and then a funeral procession with a corpse, both of which opened his eyes to suffering and death. Finally he met an ascetic, a beggar, who told Gautama that he had left the world to pass beyond suffering and joy, to attain peace at heart.

Gautama left his palace, wife, and child, and became an ascetic for about 6 years, desiring to understand and eliminate suffering.  Although he achieved deep meditation states, his body suffered and he did not achieve peace.  Finally, he achieved the realization that there is a middle way between selfish indulgence and asceticism.  He became aware of what are now known as the Four Noble Truths – that suffering (dukkha) is universal, the cause of suffering, that suffering can be overcome, and the path by which it can be overcome.  With this insight, he became the Buddha, which simply means one who is awake.

About seven weeks after the Buddha’s awakening, he met five former ascetic companions, and the Four Noble Truths are seen as the first teaching he gave.  The four truths are not as such things to “believe,” but to open to, contemplate, see for yourself, and respond to.  In this post, we focus on the first of the Noble Truths - that dukkha exists. (If you want to read some of the details, see HERE)

Dukkha: Although this is usually translated into English as suffering, dis-ease, unsatisfactoriness, discomfort, anxiety, and stress may be somewhat better. There are several types of dukkha.  Gompopa (in the “Jewel Ornament of Liberation”) organizes them into these three types:

1. Dukkha - Dukkha (Suffering of suffering):  Ordinary suffering or pain, which can be physical, emotional, or mental

2. Viparinama Dukkha (Suffering of Change):  Suffering brought on by the truth of impermanence, and our desire to keep things from changing. 

3. Samkhara Dukkha (Suffering of Conditioned States; All-Pervasive suffering):  This is the trickiest to define.  It's basically suffering brought on by our neurotic habits, by being a self with the Five Skandhas (the five aggregates that we mistake for “self”), which are constantly changing.  In brief, we have bodies and things have forms, we have sensations and feelings, we have perceptions and cognitions, we have thoughts, opinions, prejudices, and attitudes, and we have consciousness.  One way of thinking about it is that these five Skandhas maintain a reference to "self," which causes us to separate the world into self and other, which can cause suffering.

As you might have noticed from this list, suffering is much more complicated than it at first appears.  In fact, the Buddha defined eight types: 

"Now this, monks, is the Noble Truth of dukkha: Birth is dukkha, aging is dukkha, death is dukkha; sorrow, lamentation, pain, grief, & despair are dukkha; association with the unbeloved is dukkha; separation from the loved is dukkha; not getting what is wanted is dukkha. In brief, the five clinging-aggregates are dukkha." — SN 56.11 

I tend to think that  there is a ninth type of suffering - getting what we want.

Think about it.  As soon as you get that thing you really desired, you start worrying about it.  You get the fancy car and then begin stressing about it getting door dings, or breaking down, or stolen.   Getting what you want begets dukkha when it gets boring (aging), when it breaks (death), when we worry about it getting stolen or harmed (distress), or after we've lost it (separation from the loved).

Basically, there is a dependent co-arising of both happiness and stress when we get what we want.  

One place one can often see this clearly is in our romantic relationships.  The very thing that attracts you so much to a person is usually the exact thing that is particularly annoying later on.  For example, you are attracted to someone because of how flirty he is?  He won't stop being flirty after he's with you, and then you might not like it as much.  You are attracted to how free-spirited she is?  It will be annoying when she doesn't fit neatly into the little box you would like to keep her in once you're together (c.f., the home for manic pixie dream girls video).  You are attracted to how smart someone is, and what a great probing intellect he/she has?  You might not like it later when he/she turns that probing critical mind on you!

The point is that we continually believe that getting what we want will make us happy, but that's clearly not true.  Most of the time, getting what we think we want just maintains our suffering.

The good news is that the next three Noble Truths help us to understand why we suffer and how to stop.

Working with Anger (and other Strong Emotions)

On the American Buddhists group on the Insight Timer app, a question came up about dealing with strong emotions.  In particular, this colleague asked,  "How do I apply the peace of mind I feel while meditating when I finish my session?  I have anger issues."

There's obviously not one single answer nor is there a simple answer (well, there is - it's practice and time, but that's not a very satisfactory answer at the moment you're feeling the anger). 

In the Buddhist view, emotions have two properties that are co-emergent - wisdom and confusion. That is, when you are feeling an emotion, there is an aspect of wisdom behind it. With anger, it's usually the recognition that something isn't right. The problem is that co-emerging with the wisdom is also ignorance/confusion/clinging - we feel the anger and then (1) believe we have to DO something because of it, (2) believe that our story about it is somehow "real," and (3) our clarity of thinking often gets impaired, so we act unskillfully. So when you are seized by anger, can you separate the wisdom part out from the ignorance part? Can you allow yourself to feel it but not feel the need to act, at least until you've considered what would be a skillful action?

Another way of thinking about using what you find in meditation in the moment may be to focus on the gaps. This is kind of hard to explain in words, especially if you haven't really noticed it in your practice yet, but one thing many people notice in their mindfulness meditation is that there are actually spaces between thoughts, feelings, and impulses to act. In our normal lives we usually just let them run together so that they not only feel continuous, but they feel causal - you said that which caused me to feel this which caused me to say that. But in truth, there can be a gap between all of these parts. Can you find it in the moment? Focusing on that gap can greatly lessen the intensity with which you feel the anger, or can lessen the intensity with which you feel you must react to the feeling or the other person.

These are not the only approaches one could take (e.g., you could try to find compassion for the person annoying you, but I think that's really not realistic for someone struggling with anger issues). You also might want to stop trying to achieve peacefulness in your meditations, and instead begin to do mindfulness of feelings, seeing where anger comes from and where it goes. If you're only using meditation to try to achieve a special state (i.e., peace of mind), then you're not getting everything out of it that you could.  In a sense, meditation doesn't really get "rid" of anything we feel, but it can help us to not be so caught by the feelings that we feel trapped into a habitual pattern.

There's a Lojong slogan that is sometimes translated as "Don't be so trustworthy."  I like this because it encapsulates very simply how we are such creatures of habit.  Something triggers our anger, and we already know how we're going to feel, how we're going to react, and what will come of that - it has a feeling of destiny like a rushing freight train.  This is especially true in our relationships, where we've often spent many years practicing the patterns.  That may be where the real fight is with your anger issues -- there is a habitual trigger and a habitual response.  These conditioned states are the hardest to break, and yet they're so central to our peace (or lack of it).  So the slogan is meant to help us realize that there is a gap between trigger and response, and we don't have to be so trustworthy - don't do what you and everyone else expects you to do.  Do something different.  Maybe it will turn out badly, but maybe it will just be surprising enough to derail the rushing train of habitual events, or at least push it onto a new track to see where that goes.

Ultimately, this isn't the path just for anger issues, but for all of our habitual emotional reactions that keep us stuck in bad patterns (the kleshas).

Why Be Afraid of Meditation?

I sometimes help to lead a mindfulness and meditation group, although I am not a formally trained meditation instructor.  We are currently going through a six-week introductory session about Buddhist basics, and it seemed like it might be of benefit to a broader audience to post some of the issues here.

Why are you interested in meditating?  What made you start?  People in our group had answers such as wishing to connect the mind and body, to gain peace and calm, to connect with the subconscious, to lessen the hold that thoughts have on us, and to cope with suffering.  It interests me that each of these answers has an aspect of noticing that the "normal" state of being can be unsatisfactory, and that there is an aspiration to work with that (as well as a belief that Buddhist meditation may provide a helpful path).  With such noble goals, why do we often fear meditation?

One of my teachers, Ethan Nichtern, says that in his experience, people are really glad that he meditates.  We want to have meditated, but we often feel discomfort about actually sitting down to do it.

I certainly felt this at one point in my practice about seven years ago.  I had just gone through a difficult divorce, and although I knew that participating in the local sangha that was just beginning would help me, I also was terrified.  I went to one of the leaders (a Unitarian minister) to try to understand.  There wasn't a good way to explain in words the terror I felt, but I knew that meditation would bring me into contact with what might be an endless pit of pain.  He assured me that it would, but that it wouldn't be anything I couldn't withstand and ultimately work with.  He was right. Nonetheless, for that first year or so, most sessions I sat there with tears streaming quietly down my face for reasons I couldn't explain.  So I certainly understand that although we may want to have meditated, there is often resistance to doing it.

Some of this resistance can come from our own misperceptions.  Some common ones include:

1. The belief that there is a "right" way to meditate.  There are many postures and many styles of meditation, each of which has a function.  We're often (especially as beginners) too worried about getting it wrong. 
2. The belief that the goal of meditation is to empty your mind.  It is clear when one first sits in meditation trying to count breaths that we can hardly stop our minds for even four breaths.  But in fact, the goal is not to stop thinking.  There are different methods of meditation, only one of which focuses on trying to settle the mind.  Other methods actually use the mind actively.  The ultimate goal is not to stop thinking, but to stop believing that our thoughts are the same as reality.  They are thoughts about reality, not reality itself.
3. The belief that the goal is to get rid of something we dislike, such as our temper, our sadness, our addictions, or our ex-partners (I suppose moving to a monastery might actually be successful at that last one...).  In fact, the goal is to learn to become skillful with all parts of our lives - to become skillful with what is, and not with the story we tell ourselves about it.

These misconceptions can hamper our enthusiasm to meditate, because if we expect them to be accurate, we can't help but be disappointed when we try to achieve them.

Beyond misconceptions, however, meditating is difficult.  Why?  It should be simple.  There are really only three steps to a basic breathing meditation.  (1) Sit.  Easy enough for most of us.  (2) Breathe.  Good, you're already doing that.  Two-thirds of the way there!  (3) Now, do nothing else.

...That third one is always the tricky bit.   

Meditation goes against our conditioning in many ways.  

• First, we tend to spend most of the day in our heads, telling ourselves stories about what just happened, what we want to happen, how we should feel about something, and planning for how to make it happen.  Meditation tries to get us to step back from the story, because the story is not really what's right there in front of us.  
• Second, we spend the day feeling like we should multi-task, and we often get rewarded for doing it.  Meditation tries to get us to focus on only one one thing for an extended period of time, without constant distractions.  
• Third, we generally seek excitement and stimulation and avoid discomfort, which is like closing off part of who we are.  Meditation tries to get us to see all of who we are and learn to be comfortable with it. 
•  Finally, many of us spend a lot of the day trying not to really feel our emotions.  Meditation tries to get us to be in touch with what is really happening in our lives, including our feelings about it.

Stephen Batchelor is quoted as saying: 

The Buddha described his teaching as "going against the stream." The unflinching light of mindful awareness reveals the extent to which we are tossed along in the stream of past conditioning and habit. The moment we decide to stop and look at what is going on (like a swimmer suddenly changing course to swim upstream instead of downstream), we find ourselves battered by powerful currents we had never even suspected - precisely because until that moment we were largely living at their command.

We routinely practice dissatisfaction and distraction, all day long (really, how much do you think negative thoughts and complain about your job, partner, body aches, friends, co-workers, and other annoyances in a day?).  Basic meditation can help to begin to break these habits, and some types of meditations actually work to give practice with joy, comfort, compassion, and ease.

Live in joy, 

In love, 

Even among those who hate. 

Live in joy,

In health,

Even among the afflicted. 

Live in joy,

In peace,

Even among the troubled. 

Look within.

Be still.

Free from fear and attachment,

Know the sweet joy of the way.

from the Dhammapada, translated by Thomas Byrom

Healing the Mind for Lasting Happiness

The last two posts have discussed where we mistakenly seek happiness (outside ourselves), and how we often seek types of happiness that can't last, to which we cling which ultimately causes more suffering.  Yet, happiness is possible even if we can't change our outside circumstances or have previously been traumatized.

Consider how fragile the body is.  You can get a simple paper cut, and if it isn't cared for properly, it can get infected and you can die from it.  You can sprain or break your ankle and end up with a permanent disability.  Although true, the body is also remarkably resilient.  If properly cleaned and cared for, such as putting a splint on the ankle, the body can heal the most horrible wounds.

Does the mind have a similar ability to heal its wounds?  It can certainly be injured.

The sprained ankle keeps getting worse even while it is trying to heal itself if you don’t splint it and you keep repeating the actions that damaged it.  Similarly, the mind can’t heal properly if you keep doing the same things over and over.  Unfortunately, this is what we usually do.  

Have you noticed how problems seem to repeat in your lives, especially with our families and the relationships we care the most about?  We maintain the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that keep us locked into an unhealthy pattern, continually re-injuring ourselves.  We can either practice these thoughts, feelings, and reactions, and therefore strengthen the bad habits, or we can practice with them and gain insight, wisdom, and ease.

Meditation is the splint for our injured minds – it helps to clean the wound.  It provides support for changing the habits, which gives the mind the rest, the time, and the stability it needs to begin to fully heal.  But just like a sprained ankle, the mind does not heal immediately.  It can be re-injured easily.  Like the ankle, even after it is healed, it may always be weaker in one direction.  By knowing that, however, you can take steps to keep it from getting re-injured in that direction.  

We spend a lot of our time practicing dissatisfaction, so it's no surprise we have gotten so good at it.  Meditation not only can help to break that pattern, but to retrain new positive patterns.  It is important for new meditators to realize that there are many types of meditation, and there is a progression that can be followed.  At first, we usually focus on breathing or calming meditations (sometimes called shamatha or mindfulness meditations).  These can certainly help us to reduce our feelings of stress.  But ultimately that's not really enough.  We really want to get to a place where we don't get stressed out but feel a sense of calm and ease even when stressors are present.  Mindfulness is just the first step to that goal, although it is a necessary one because it helps us to achieve the clarity and stability to go to the next steps.  Contemplative meditations (sometimes called vipassana or insight meditations) help us to retrain our habitual reactions.  Meditation, however, is still only one third of the Buddhist path, which also includes ethics and philosophical/psychological practices.

Deep down, we know that seeking happiness outside ourselves will never be fully successful.  Buddhism has many techniques, practices, and paths to help us find the ability to live with ease through all of our stresses.  The goal becomes having a deep sense of well-being even as we experience the full range of human emotions, rather than trying to reject "negative" feelings and grasp after ecstatic feelings.  Not every approach will be right for everyone, but that's one of the great things about Buddhism - you are encouraged not to believe in anything until you try it to see if it works for you.

What is happiness?

In the last post, I discussed how we evolved to look outside ourselves for danger and opportunity, and how this creates a bias when we're looking for happiness.  But we bypassed a more fundamental question - what is happiness?  It seems like we should know what we're looking for if we want to have any hope of finding it.

I have the belief that Americans have a lot of trouble recognizing happiness, for several reasons.  As children, we recognize that getting what you want is more fun than not getting what you want.  There is a wisdom in this, actually.  We recognize enjoyment and beauty partly because they are often healthy for us. But as we grow, we are bombarded with advertisements that work to subvert this natural wisdom into something unhealthy - we are told that happiness comes from a bottle, a car, a lifestyle.  The programs between the commercials are little better - they teach us that happiness comes from how we look, "getting" the girl/boy, and how they look.  These reinforce our bias that we should look outside ourselves for a way to be happy, but they also teach us (1) to consume as the method for becoming happy, and (2) that having consumed, we need more, because happiness doesn't last.

This has at least two additional consequences.  It trains us to believe that happiness is a special kind of reaction to something, and that happiness is a very strong joyous feeling, like winning the Superbowl.

This is perhaps the most insidious of all the ways our natural wisdom is subverted.  We forget that there are many other things that happiness can mean.  It can mean comfort,  bliss, calmness, contentment, and enjoyment, but we tend to focus only on the more extreme side of elation, ecstasy, and euphoria.  By focusing on the extreme version of happiness, which we know can never last (partly because it is extreme), we set up an impossible goal for ourselves.  In fact, what strikes me as I see my children buying into this world view, is that getting what you want isn't happiness - it's actually a form of suffering!

When we look outside ourselves for something that will make us happy, what happens when we get it?  I don't deny that at the time of receiving it, we feel happiness.  We definitely do.  If we get that Ferrari we've always wanted, we'll be really happy about it for at least several days.   But we also know it will get scratched if we drive it around town.  We know some day it will break and cost us a lot to fix it.  We worry that others might envy us for it.  And after we've had it for a while, we become bored and start looking for something else that can make us feel as excited and happy as we once were with this.

Because the idea of happiness has been so co-opted by Hallmark, Disney, and movies like My Big Fat Greek Wedding, we haven't even questioned if part of the reason we feel unfulfilled so much of the time is because we are looking for the wrong thing.

Let me suggest a different definition of happiness, and see if you agree with me that it is both worth pursuing and more attainable than the ever-shifting definition that happiness is getting the right product/experience/person.  As I have grown in my practice, I have come to believe that what we really mean when we say we want to be happy is that we want "ease."  We want to be able to move through our days, our work, our challenges, our difficulties, our bodies, and our relationships with ease.  We want to have harmony with our minds, feelings, actions.  We want to be "in tune" with our friends, spouses, children, bosses, students, etc.  We actually don't want to sit on a beach all day every day sipping fruity drinks with paper umbrellas.  Sure, that's fun for a while, but most of us would probably start feeling unproductive, disconnected, and out of sync with others.  We want to be involved in all the parts of our lives, but we want to be able to go through them with ease.  When we are successful at this, we feel a great sense of contentment, achievement, and some joy -- namely, happiness.  When we are frustrated in our goals, have arguments with our family or co-workers, we feel ill at ease.  When our bodies get out of sync, we have dis-ease.  In fact, when we're not sick or injured, we're at such ease that we don't even usually notice how remarkable the sense of ease is - our bodies just do what we want easily.

As long as we continue to believe the lie that happiness comes from getting the "right" thing, we will never be able to achieve lasting happiness.  We are constantly changing, therefore the thing/person that we feel is "right" at this point in time, will not feel the same way in the future.  But if our goal is to feel at ease with ourselves, our partners, and our lives, then when we change, that peaceful easy feeling can go with us.

Of course, even if you accept this as a better definition for what we really mean when we say we just want to be happy, it doesn't tell us how to achieve it.  Here is where Buddhist practice can really help, as it has many methods to train us in how to become at ease with ourselves and our lives.  I'll talk about some in future posts.

Where does happiness come from?

It's hard to see our own biases and assumptions.  Sometimes they're right under our noses.  Sometimes they are our noses.

We all want to be happy, and we all want to avoid suffering.  It's a pretty simple goal.  Yet, most of us have a very hard time achieving it for more than a few days.  Why is it so difficult to be happy?

Consider your senses - sight, smell, touch, taste, hearing.  Do you notice what they all have in common?  They are all directed outwards toward the environment.

Although this sounds simplistic, consider how profoundly it affects you.  Because all of our senses are directed outward, it creates an assumption that we should focus outward for the important things, including happiness and suffering.

Perhaps there is someone you work with whom you find annoying - you probably spend time alert to the external world to try to pay attention to when he/she will appear.  If you see this person, you may change what you're doing to avoid what you expect will be an unpleasant encounter.  You spot the potential for suffering in the environment, and adapt to avoid it.  Similarly, when we feel bad, we usually look for some stimulus on the outside to make us happy.  This might be chocolate, a person, a TV show or video game, a shower, new shoes, etc.

We carry with us a core assumption that our happiness/suffering is due to external stimuli.  When we get the thing we want, we feel happy (but only for a little while).  When we get something we don't want, we suffer and try to remove it from our immediate environment.  We have practiced this approach for our whole lives. We should be experts at it by now.  So why doesn't it seem to work for more than a day or two?

The reason, of course, is because happiness doesn't come from the external environment.  We have all seen this in children.  They believe that a new toy will make them happy.  When they get it they are delighted.  But that ecstatic joy fades within minutes despite the object still being in their environment.  Even the general happiness they have from owning it goes away within weeks (often days!), and they now want something different.  Of course, the media work to perpetuate this myth that owning/getting things makes us happy, makes us attractive, and makes us have good relationships.  In fact, under this assumption that external stimuli make us happy, even people are commodities - we "get" the girl, we "have" a husband, we "break up" our relationships.  We believe that having a relationship with a specific person (or type of person) will fulfill us and make us happy.  Yet, although relationships are definitely fulfilling, we still worry about what else we need to get or want to avoid.

If having things actually made us happier, then it should be easy to document that through research.  People with more money should be happier - not only should they have less stress about survival, they can afford more things.  Yet, national studies of happiness demonstrate that although Americans' buying power has tripled since the 1950s, their happiness hasn't changed at all.

Actually, America - the richest country on earth - doesn't even get into the top 10 for happiest countries!  We are tied for 13th behind the Phillipines.  This was out of 50 countries surveyed.  If the survey had measured all 200-some countries, we would have likely dropped even farther in the list.

TV ownership and happiness by country

Cell phones and happiness

Go ask some people what makes them happy.  Many of the things you will hear about will be external stimuli, like TV, iPhones, roller coasters, music, etc.  If external stimuli and experiences made us happier, then America should be top of the happiness list.  We are number one in roller coasters (with 624 in the US, compared to number two Japan at 240, who is 19th in happiness, by the way).  We are number one in the amount of time watching television each week (pathetic, but true...we're almost double the amount of daily TV viewing over number two Turkey, who is 20th in happiness).

Beer consumption and happiness

There is no correlation between the number of TVs owned and happiness.  There is no correlation between the number of cell phones owned and happiness.  Heck, there isn't even a strong correlation between the amount of beer consumed and happiness (although it's not zero - See graph to the left...).

Ultimately, all happiness that comes from external stimuli is unstable and temporary.  As soon as the stimulus is gone (eaten, breaks, leaves us, etc.), we lose that happiness.  Not only that, often we suffer because we worry about losing the external stimulus that we think causes our happiness.  So we can't really enjoy it even while we have it!  This strikes me as not truly being happiness.

So we have to stop believing advertising's basic message, which is that when you feel bad you should go shopping.  We even have to stop believing what we see, smell, taste, feel, and hear.  Happiness doesn't come from outside ourselves.  You know this.  You know people who "have it all" and yet aren't happy.  You probably also know people who have very little or have had terrible things happen to them but who are happy most of the time.

You probably expect that I'm going to say that happiness comes from looking inside, and you're already probably dissatisfied with that answer.  Why?  I think because we've been trained by our senses, our culture, and our beliefs that happiness should appear suddenly, like when you get a gift or when you get what you've been craving.  Our insides don't seem able to make us suddenly happy.

Whether happiness comes from inside or outside is really beside the point (and is a false dichotomy).

Here's the important point - Happiness is trainable.  
Here's even better news - Happiness is attainable.

We can talk about how to attain it in a future post.